I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
