Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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