how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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