Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
