Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
