somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
