1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
