I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
