here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
