i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
