omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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