I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
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