i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
