I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
