I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
