She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
