Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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