i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
