Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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