the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
