mondays should just be called national damage control day
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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