here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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