dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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