his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The uberlube is also flammable
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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