I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
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