I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
