He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
