In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
