Pants 0. Shit 1.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
