I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
