Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
