They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
