During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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