then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
