Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
