It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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