I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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