I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
