I just threw up on my dentist
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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