I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
