My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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