If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
