Well douche your snatch and let's go!
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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