look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
