I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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