nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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