good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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