Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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