well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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