I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
